


End of Eternity

by forgetme



Category: Naruto
Genre: Aging, Angst, Friendship, Gen, Old Age, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-20 02:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetme/pseuds/forgetme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gai's youth is over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	End of Eternity

**Author's Note:**

> written for naruto_meme - August 2012

He used to love the mornings; they were his favorite time of day. A new beginning, each time. A new chance, a new challenge, a new opportunity to become stronger, stronger than the day before.

It's different now. Every day begins with pain. Fire seems to link his joints. Gai opens his eyes and suffers.

He is sixty-two, not _that_ old, but far too old nonetheless. Every moment serves as a reminder that his youth is behind him. Next year Lee – his precious little student – will turn fifty!

Even Lee's oldest son – Rock Gai (and how he'd cried when Lee had told him the name!) is almost twenty years old and will soon have students of his own.

They all grow older; he isn't the only one. That's what he tells himself.

But in some way he is.

Because it's different for the others. Shizune still supervises at the hospital, Kurenai teaches Genjutsu at the academy, Anko terrifies young ANBU applicants and Kakashi…

Kakashi is happier than ever.

He loves being an old fart. Sometimes Gai catches himself thinking that his rival was born to be one – he always had an air of being older than his years, after all.

Nowadays Kakashi's official role is advisor to the Hokage and he is supposed to be an honorable member of the council (like Gai, but, unlike Kakashi, Gai never was a strategist, so he spends most meetings nodding at whatever Kakashi says).

Unofficially, Kakashi spends most of _his_ time napping and reading. He routinely shows up late to meetings, if he does actually bother to show up, that is.

"I had to wait for someone to help me across the street," he'll say, smiling his nowadays even more crinkly-eyed smile while waving off all protests and doubts concerning the sincerity of his statement.

Gai wants to be happy for him, he wants to be amused when Kakashi cons another poor merchant into giving him a special discount for the elderly or when he makes Yamato do his shopping, conveniently forgetting that Yamato is not much younger than they are.

But he can't, he can't find it funny because, out of all of his peers, he is the only one who is useless now. The only one who grows weaker every minute, the only one who is in pain all the time.

This, Gai has told no one. Shizune knows, of course, being his doctor. Sakura, too, might know, considering her vast medical knowledge and experience and the many times she's treated him.

For everyone else he pretends.

The unspoken truth is that he doesn't have much time left, and that what little he has will be miserable. The gates are taking their toll now, causing his body to deteriorate rapidly until he will die.

Soon, if he is lucky.

But if not…

* * *

 

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, hands braced on the sink to take some weight of his feet, Gai squeezes his eyes shut, unable to take the sight of himself any longer. He is old, so old.

He might still have all his teeth and his muscles haven't withered completely (yet) – although his skin has slackened somewhat already – but his face is wrinkled and his hair is grey.

Gai looks down at his hands, to avoid his own eyes, and cringes at the blue veins shining through papery, spotted skin.

 _Why,_ he thinks, _why does it have to be like this?_

He fought so hard to become the man he is - _was_ \- and now he will lose it all and there is nothing he – or anyone – can do about it.

He's lived his life, afraid of nothing, but now, now he is terrified.

Gai leaves his bathroom and makes his way – slowly – back to his living-room, where Kakashi is lounging on the couch as usual.

"This is as good a place to read as any other," Kakashi'd said, shrugging when Gai'd asked him for the reason for his visit once, and, "Make sure to keep the fridge stocked."

His visits have grown more frequent over the last year. It's because he knows, of course, he knows. How could he not? He's still a genius who can see underneath the underneath, it's only Gai who isn't who he used to be, who is not a taijutsu master anymore.

Kakashi knows he will outlive Gai, that's why he comes by every day, that's why he sometimes even challenges Gai – to board games or janken.

In his weaker moments, Gai almost resents him.

It could have been so easy.

He had been ready to do it back then, when he was still young and fearless. It would have been quick and heroic, the way it was supposed to be, but Kakashi held him back.

When he looks at Kakashi's face now, it only drives home the fact that Kakashi hasn't changed as much as he has. Sure, he has some lines around his mouth (he gave up the mask at the same time he resigned from active duty – voluntarily and happily, unlike Gai who'd _been_ resigned, more or less forcibly and had felt a little like Kakashi was mocking him by giving up his shinobi life so easily shortly afterwards) and crow's feet around his one uncovered eye, but other than that? Not much. Well, he has let his hair grow and wears it in a ponytail like his father used to. "Keeping it short's too much of a fuss," he'd explained with another – typical – shrug.

Gai sits down heavily next to Kakashi, who yawns and stretches like a satisfied cat, before settling back into the pillows. No, Gai can't resent Kakashi for stopping him back then. If it hadn't been for him, Gai would have missed the wonderful years between then and now. He wouldn't have got to know his students' beautiful children who are like grandchildren to him, like his own flesh and blood. When he thinks about them, when they visit, it is worth everything he is going through now. He wouldn't trade his time with them for anything, not even eternal youth.

But that's part of the problem.

He looks at Kakashi, who looks back at him and cocks his head, curious.

"What?" he asks. And that's as far as he goes. He never asks, "what's wrong?" because he knows.

Gai swallows thickly around the lump in his throat. How to say it? Where to begin?

When he shifts uncomfortably, his leg sends sharp spikes of pain through his body; his shoulder answers with a dull throb.

Gai has a weak heart now, Shizune has told him. She said that all of his muscles had taken permanent damage. "And that includes your cardiac muscle – your heart."

 _It shouldn't,_ he'd thought back then, _a person's heart should be more than just another body part that could give out any minute._

Dedication, power of will and determination, metaphorical heart and guts can't save him now; tomorrow he won't be stronger than today – tomorrow he might not be able to get up anymore.

"You have to accept—" Shizune said, but Gai didn't want to listen.

Who was she to talk about acceptance when she herself had cried so much when Tsunade died?

A painful memory.

Tsunade had been… She had been at peace.

"It's okay," she told Shizune, Sakura and Naruto, "they're all waiting for me… and I've let them wait for so long. I want to see them again…. I can't wait." She'd died with a smile on her face.

Ever since then, all Gai has been able to think about is that his most precious people are _here_. There is no one for him _there_. No one is waiting for him. He can see death looming, a black void that will suck him in, and he will be _alone_.  
It terrifies him. All his life, he's never been afraid of anything… no, he realizes, all his life he has been afraid of _this_.

He'd been ready to go in a blaze of glory, but he cannot do _this_.

He cannot be trapped in this body, watching it fall apart, watching _himself_ fall apart, becoming more and more decrepit until…

But there is no escape, only a limited number of tomorrows, each of them worse than today and nothing left to do, no goals to accomplish.

Only time.

Time he can spend with the people he loves, but then they will see him grow feeble and pathetic. Lee will still love him – always – but there will be pity and pain lacing through that love like a slow-killing poison.

He doesn't want that.

"Kakashi," he begins and he can already hear the tremor in his own voice. Desperate, he grasps his rival's hand.

Kakashi's expression is strangely fearful. He is shocked; for once, Gai is shaking him to his very core. But now that he's begun, he can't stop himself.

"It's over… I'm old…"

"Gai," Kakashi is shaking his head as if they're having an argument and Gai is presenting wrong facts. It's the truth, though. It's only the horrible truth.

"I can't—" Gai's voice breaks.

"Don't." The word contains a warning and also – subtle but there – a pleading note. Kakashi's skin is growing oddly clammy under Gai's fingers.

"I'm scared," Gai has never said these words to Kakashi before, maybe not to anyone. He can't contain them any longer, though. It feels like they have been festering inside of him for far too long. "Kakashi, I'm scared."

He's never asked Kakashi for anything, but he's asking now. Like they're little boys again and he's the dropout and Kakashi is the genius who has all the answers, and he realizes that he would give anything to be able to go back to that time, to be that boy with all those hopes and dreams again, just for a moment.

"Please…" he can barely choke out the words, his throat is too tight, "I don't want to go like this."

But Kakashi turns away sharply, so that Gai can see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows, can see him press his lips together, can feel Kakashi's fingers return his death grip.

"Don't let me die like this, please," he whispers, begging without really knowing for what exactly, and through his own tears he can see, for the first time in his long but not that long life, the glint of wetness on Kakashi's cheek.

The next day Kakashi doesn't come, and Gai doesn't get out of bed.

* * *

It's two days later that, completely befuddled, Gai finds himself squinting at the glowing display of his alarm clock.

5 am.

Why is he awake?

Then he hears it – a faint clicking noise, once, twice and after a small pause a third louder one, coming from his right.

Someone has disabled the traps on his window!

He doesn't hear the window opening, but he certainly feels the cool rush of air as it swings inward, as his perfect bubble of boring old-man-safety is breached by an unknown intruder.

In his younger years, he would have been on his feet in an instant and ready, even jonesing, for a fight. Things are different now, though. His speed is not what it used to be. Getting up would take time and effort, worse, he wouldn't be able to do it silently.

So he lies very still instead, his hand creeping under the pillow where, for years, he has been keeping a hidden kunai.

But the moment his fingers wrap around the hilt, the light is switched on, and the room is flooded with artificial yellow light that assaults his sensitive eyes like acid.

Exposed and blinded, Gai awaits the killing blow with a strange sense of relief. A pathetic end, but quick at least; he welcomes it.

Nothing happens.

When he opens his eyes, he is greeted by a sight so unexpected, he believes himself dreaming. That is, until the apparition speaks.

"Still asleep? My, you really weren't kidding about being an old fart, were you?"

The intruder leans closer then, and Gai realizes that it really is just Kakashi, _regular_ Kakashi, not as he had first thought a magically rejuvenated version of his rival.

And yet he really _is_ wearing his old uniform, complete with mask, headband and gloves.

There is only one feasible explanation for this. It's been decades since the last time it happened, though.

Gai sits up in bed – ignoring the little warning jolt of pain in his back -  kunai, he realizes, still clutched in his hand and asks, unable to contain the excitement in his voice, "Is the village under attack?"

In response Kakashi just raises his eyebrow. "What do you think?" he drawls.

Gai suppresses his first instinct – to loudly tell Kakashi off for his flippant reply – and instead takes a moment to listen. Wind rustling through leaves, the high-pitched buzz of a mosquito. The village is quiet.

"What's going on, rival?" Gai asks, completely confused. Looking closely at Kakashi, he notices the big backpack his rival is carrying for some strange reason. He can't put the pieces together.

"This," Kakashi pulls a scroll out of his pocket and tosses it to Gai, who manages to pull off an awkward catch. He unrolls it and reads laboriously, squinting without his reading glasses.

It's a bingo book excerpt – profile, ranking, possible whereabouts of a missing nin with quite an impressive track record, the usual mission briefing info-dump. This, however, is ANBU-material; Gai hasn't seen one of these in years.

He looks up at Kakashi, nonplussed.

"Why are you showing me this?"

"Because that's our target," Kakashi shoots back, then frowns when Gai doesn't react, "unless you're not feeling up to it."

"Oh," is all Gai finds himself able to say. So it's come to this, here he was, all this time worrying about his body and envying Kakashi, and now Kakashi's mind has given out first. He's gone senile, thinking he's still in ANBU, that they'll be going on a mission together.

Gai will have to calm him down and lead him back to his place and probably inform Naruto and… and his heart hurts, just thinking about it. His poor rival!

He climbs out of bed, goes to Kakashi and puts a hand on his arm, _gently_ , so as not to startle his friend.

"Rival," he says, not quite able to keep the tremor out of his voice, "you are confused, but it's going to be alright, I promise!"

Kakashi sighs, sadly? Tiredly?

And casts a long, exasperated look towards the ceiling.

"I'm not senile, Gai. Read the report. He's taken out squad after squad." Kakashi meets his eyes; there's steel in that gaze. A challenge. "The youngsters aren't cutting it."

The words, that feeling, that old, half-forgotten feeling, are enough to make Gai's heartbeat speed up.

But he knows what this is… He'd wanted to apologize to Kakashi for letting himself go like that, he'd just never found the right moment or the right words and so he'd hoped that Kakashi would just forget or pretend to forget, to spare his dignity.

Kakashi, however, hasn't forgotten.

Gai feels tears welling up. He can't do this. He can't have Kakashi do this for him. He has to stop this.

"Get dressed and pack your things," Kakashi says easily, turning away, seemingly oblivious to Gai's state.

This time Gai grabs Kakashi's arm forcefully; he's not fully in control of himself right now.

" _Thank you_ ," he says, knowing he'll be a crying, snotty mess by the end of his sentence, "but I can't ask you to—"

"No one's asking anything of anyone, Gai. I'm going, whether you're coming or not." Kakashi shrugs as if it's _nothing._ "What? I could use a little excitement, and as much as I appreciate Ebisu's attempts, he's just no Jiraiya."

Gai swallows against the lump in his throat; he shouldn't let this go; he should call Kakashi's bluff, but he _can't_. He wants this too much.

It makes him feel alive again.

* * *

 

They step out onto the street together, armed to their teeth and heavy packs on their shoulders.

"The sun will be up in a few minutes," Kakashi says in his usual slightly-but-not-caring-enough-to-be-really peeved manner. "Was it _that_ necessary to write your brats a whole _novel_?"

"Yes. What did you tell Naruto and Sakura?"

"Nothing."

Gai stops dead in his tracks. "Kakashi!"

"They would have made a _fuss_. You don't mind technically being a missing nin, do you?"

If he hadn't known Kakashi for so long, Gai's jaw would have dropped, as it is, he merely exclaimes, "Kakashi!" one more time.

As usual it is a waste of breath, since Kakashi simply keeps walking on, paying him no mind.

"I left a note."

Probably three words, Gai thinks.

The children will be hurt.

The children…

Young Gai is probably at the training grounds right now; Lee might be with him. Neji is most likely already at the ANBU headquarters, dutifully doing his paperwork although he hates it, while also doing extensive background checks on the poor boys who've dared to ask one of his beautiful daughters out. Tenten is definitely still in bed and won't get up until she absolutely has to.

Without noticing it, Gai has slowed down enough to significantly fall behind. He _will_ miss them and he hates the thought that his actions might cause them pain.

It's not too late to turn around.

Kakashi is doing so right now, looking back at Gai, waiting, expression completely neutral.

"Having second thoughts?" he asks jovially.

In a way Gai does, but the kids are grown; they don't need him anymore. He has given them everything already. All he could be to them from now on is a burden. They wouldn't mind, they would happily take care of him, but that's not how he wants them to remember him.

"No," Gai says.

Kakashi nods once, holding Gai's eyes.

"Then let's go."  
And they do. In silence they walk through the familiar streets of their home, each lost in his own thoughts.

When they pass a bench, _that_ bench, Gai thinks for a moment that he can see the silhouette of a spiky haired boy sitting there, book in hand, just waiting to be challenged.  
It's nothing but a trick of the light, though, because the spiky-haired boy is walking right next to him and putting a hand on his shoulder as they pass by the ghosts of their past.

At the village gate Kakashi stops again, suddenly, saying, "Ah, wait, there's something I forgot to do," and, for a second and with a jolt of unexpected terror, Gai thinks that it was all a joke and that they will go back and wait for their deaths to come for them after all.

But then Kakashi pulls a kunai out of his pocket, twirls the glinting blade around his finger once and grabs his ponytail with his free hand.

"I'm not used to fighting with this; it might get in the way," he says and he lifts the ponytail to get the kunai under it and cuts it off in one swift swipe.

And when Gai looks at him in his old uniform, his hair once again short like it used to be, he can, for a moment, almost believe that they have both reverted back to the strong young men they were, once upon a time.

At last, they walk through the gate together, and Kakashi opens his fist and lets the wind carry away the silver strands of hair, sends them tumbling towards the rising sun, scattering in all directions, never to be seen again.

end.


End file.
